“In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord established their step.” Proverbs 16.9
I have this “prayer box” pendant that I love wearing. It’s a tiny lil ball that opens up like a chest and I wear it on a necklace. So, it’s like a chest on my chest. But for some reason, I don’t normally have an actual prayer in it. I actually don’t normally have anything inside. I just love the way it looks and that alone satisfies me. But today was different. I wrote the verse above in a tiny strip of paper, wrapped it, and tuck it inside my prayer box. I did that because I had a feeling it was going to be an intense day for me, and it would be nice to have the reminder that the Lord was going to be the one that would establish my steps. But I had no idea what the next few hours had in store. I had three big frustrations in three big areas of my life: church community, romantic love, and academic career. Please note that none of these plans I had in my heart were completely obstructed. I have no doubt the Lord has big plans for me in all of those three areas and that his plans can never be ultimately frustrated. But let’s just say I hit a bump in all of those paths today, all in one mere day. Let me explain.
Church community. I moved into a new city a month and a half ago, and even before I moved here, I had an idea of this church I wanted to join. This is a great church that is very biblically sound. There was not a single Sunday there that I have not felt my heart deeply challenged by scripture reading and singing the word of God. I can feel the move of the Holy Spirit deeply shaping me every day and challenging my heart. I also feel like this is a place where I can find true community and can learn and grow with people. So, I’ve been attending their membership class and getting ready to fully commit to this body of believers. Today I went into their office to have my membership interview, where they would ask me questions and make sure I am a believer before I join the church. The problem is that I grew up in a Presbyterian church and was baptized as a baby. Well, that’s not the problem per se. The problem is that I am not fully theologically convinced that infant baptism is not an acceptable form of baptism. I am happy to get baptized again and fell like this would be a beautiful confirmation of the working of the gospel in my life. I would like to join the church and understand this is a requirement they have for church membership. I just don’t understand why it is necessary that I emphatically reject my infant baptism. It did have a place in my spiritual walk with the Lord and I’m not sure I would like to outright discredit it.
Romantic love. Right after that meeting, I went on to have dinner with a dear friend of mine. He and I have been friends for years and have been especially closer over the last year. And I’ve had a crush on him over this last year I mentioned. Okay, maybe a little more than just a crush. And to be honest my feelings have been fading and giving room to a more platonic friendship over the past few weeks. But I know they are not completely dead nonetheless. The reason we met today was so that he could apologize to me for some pretty douchey behavior he’s displayed this last weekend. He was drunk and really crossed the line in some respects. I also didn’t clearly define my boundaries because of the sinful tendency I have to prefer not speaking up and test just how far I can enjoy the presence of sin without facing real consequences. Anyways. We were there because he wanted to apologize and restore our friendship. Our friendship. I know he’s not looking for anything else. He’s going through reconstruction times and not looking for a relationship in the near future. And I know that. But sometimes I wish it wasn’t so. Part of my heart wishes I had found what I was looking for. And today was another reminder that no. Not yet. Not here. Please keep moving along.
Academic career. I am in the last semester of my Masters and am writing a thesis. Or trying to write it. I have been working on this topic for about two years and know I could probably write it in a heartbeat. I would love to interview people and write something that is relevant and innovative. At least in theory. In reality, I am completely burnt out with school. Every time I sit to write something my heart gets stressed and my soul disturbed. I have sat in a chair for hours on end but wasn’t able to force my brain into squishing every ounce of information I have. This is what I did last semester. And I must have squished really hard because I don’t think there’s anything else in there. I saw today an email that I got from my chair yesterday talking about deadlines and defending my thesis. And I don’t know how to tell her I don’t have a thesis to defend. I also figured out today that I can absolutely withdraw from this class with no real consequences. I do not need it to graduate since it was just an extra thing that I had decided to take upon myself. And I’m not a quitter. Nor a lazy student. I have taken one extra class on top of my full-time schedule and work every semester because I enjoy studying so much. The biggest toll this decision is taking on me is an emotional one. Which is a pretty hard one to deal with.
I have no guarantee that I’ll find the church community I long for at this specific church. I have no guarantee I’ll find romantic love with this guy. I have no guarantee I’ll ever write a thesis. Honestly, there’s a good possibility the answer to all of these questions will be “no”. Another frustrated expectation. But you know what, I’m glad that it’s the Lord that establishes my steps. He knows more about me than I know about myself. He loves me more than I love myself. He knows the right path for me to follow in a way I could never dream of knowing myself. I’m so glad I did wear that prayer around my neck today. My heart is free to plan its course. But how am I glad the “establishing of my steps” part does not rest on my shoulders.
